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留学个人陈述修改润色

作者:金笔佳文 | 日期:2015-03-20 09:23:25 | 阅读:1696

金笔佳文是一家正规的翻译公司,专注于留学文书写作修改和留学个人陈述翻译修改润色服务,我们以全新的方式从事留学申请材料代写、翻译和修改润色服务,如果您有留学文书需求,请联系我们!

 

以下为客户的留学个人陈述修改润色案例,案例已经征得客户同意进行公示,希望能帮助到更多的学生!

 

标记说明:”改前“为客户提供的原稿,”改后“为修改后的文章。经过大幅度的改动,修改后的文字非常地道,客户非常满意,最后客户如愿申请到美国的哥伦比亚大学!

留学个人陈述修改润色案例 

改前:I enjoy the challenges from nature and life. Every year I go for adventure travels. I dived in deep ocean area, skied in Asia’s largest ski field, went bungee jumping, experienced the highest Dive Coaster in Shanghai. Even the cable cars stopped just upon the steepest part of the mountain due to power failure for half an hour, I seized the chance to take many fantastic scenes.

改后:Dauntless of challenges from nature and life, I go for adventures every year, diving in deep ocean, skiing in Asia’s largest ski field, playing bungee jumping, experiencing the highest Dive Coaster in Shanghai, to name but a few. Once, I was trapped in the cable car of a tourist attraction that broke down due to power failure and suspended over the steepest part of the mountain for half an hour. Instead of panic I seized the chance to take many fantastic photos of the beautiful scenery.

 

改前:Career Plan

改后:Career Planning

改前:My mother works in the financial department in government. She contributes to local economics and finance development every day. My father has been interested in stocks and investment for many years. He studied the stock market by himself, and always brought extra income to family.

改后:My mother works in the financial department of the government, devoting herself to the development of local economy and financial affairs every day. My father, interested in stocks and investments, has studied the stock market by himself for many years and always brought extra income to my family.

 

改前:My parents are the first persons who let me get in touch with finance and economics. So, after graduation, I intend to become a financial analyst in investment banks or business consulting companies, engaging myself in investment analysis, financing, and merge in short term. I will transfer to a business school in famous US university to finish my undergraduate education. During this time, I will study a wider variety of business courses, especially focusing more on the financial field in the last year. I will start preparing for my career when entering the university, take an active part in training and activities organized by career center, and make every effort to find internship opportunities in investment banks and consulting companies. Financial analysis will bring me more chances to gain exercise and continues to develop in business domain.

改后:It is my parents who introduce finance and economics to me. After graduation, I intend to become a financial analyst in investment bank or business consulting company and fit myself into investment analysis, financing, and merger in short term. I will transfer to a business school of a famous US university to finish my undergraduate education. During this time, I will study a wider variety of business courses, especially focusing more on last year’s financial field. I will start preparing for my career as soon as I am admitted by the university, take an active part in trainings and activities organized by the career center, and make every effort to find internship opportunities in investment banks and consulting companies. Financial analysis will bring me more chances of exercise and power my development in this field.

 

改前:In long term, I would like to run my own culture company, creating excellent screenplays, novels, investing in popular animes, games, making the best movies, further on, devoting myself in leading the Chinese culture and spirits to the world. To realize my goals, I will study MBA or MSF Program in US famous business school after working for three or four years. After graduation, I will begin my career again in a famous investment bank or consulting company as a manager or director, be in charge of financing or merging projects independently, and participate in management affairs, aim to be familiar with the whole operation process of a company. When conditions permit, I will set up my culture company. In this way, I can combine my interest with career successfully, and promote Chinese culture to the world with my effort. Meanwhile, running company will also utilize my previous experience in finance and management.

改后:In long term, I would like to run my own culture company, create excellent screen plays and novels, invest in popular animes and games, produce the best movies, and then introduce Chinese culture and spirits to the whole world. To realize my goals, I will study MBA or MSF Program in the famous US business school after working for three or four years. After graduation, I will begin my career as a manager or director of a famous investment bank or consulting company, be in charge of financing or merging projects on my own, and participate in management with a view to make myself familiarize the whole operation process of a company. When conditions are favorable, I will set up my own culture company. In this way, I can integrate my interest with career successfully, and contribute my effort to the development of Chinese culture going global. Meanwhile, running a company will also utilize my previous experience in finance and management.

 

改前:Preparation

改后:Preparation

改前:Owing to deep love for finance and investment, I studied Fund Management in my sophomore year, a core course of financial engineering majors taught in English. I spent a lot of time reading relevant textbooks and papers, communicated to the professor frequently, and finally ranked Top 3 in the final exam.

改后:Owing to my deep love for finance and investment, I studied Fund Management when I was a sophomore. It was a core course for financial engineering majors and taught in English. I spent a lot of time reading relevant textbooks and papers, attentively learned from the professor, and finally ranked 3rd in the final exam.

 

改前:Last semester, I wrote a paper in relation to Chinese small and medium-sized investors using hedge principle to avoid risks in stock market. During this period, I looked up many hedge fund operation cases in western counties and combined the hedge principle with China’s stock market. Then I designed a model to do hedge operation between stocks and stock index futures to help small and medium-sized investors avoid risks and boost profitability in China’s stock market. I more and more realized the complexity and capriciousness of finance, which inspired me to study more. Meanwhile, I paid close attention to Independent Financial Advisors in China.Independent Financial Advisors are emerging products with the development of Chinese financial market. However, they also have considerable problems due to their imperfections the limitation of China's national conditions. So I wrote a paper about the present situation and problem analysis of Independent Financial Advisors in China.

改后:Last semester, I wrote a paper in relation to Chinese small and medium investors using hedge principle to avoid risks in stock market. During this period, I referred to many hedge fund operation cases of western counties and integrated the hedge principle with China’s stock market. Then I designed a model capable of hedge operation between stocks and stock index futures to help small and medium investors avoid risks and boost profitability of China’s stock market. The sense that the finance was complicated and capricious grew stronger in my mind and inspired me to study more. Meanwhile, I paid close attention to Independent Financial Advisors in China.Independent Financial Advisors are emerging products with the development of China’s financial market. However, they also have considerable problems due to the imperfections and limitation of China's national conditions. So I wrote a paper about the present situation and problem analysis of Independent Financial Advisors in China.

 

改前:Last summer, I interned in China Security. This was the first time that I was brought to the “financial world” in its true sense. Every day, I began my work with reading research reports and analysis in stock and financial markets, observed various indexes, analyzed and forecast short-term financial market movements, and put forward simple investment planning. I also traded securities simulatively through professional software, putting finance knowledge into practice for the first time. Worked as an assistant of issuing high-interest bonds, I knew the properties, rate of return, and risk rate of high-interest bond in detail, and learnt to face and communicate with different kinds of clients. I explained and promoted high-risk bond to their preference and requirements.

改后:Last summer, I interned in China Securities. That was the first time that I set my foot in the “financial world”. Every day, I began my work with reading research reports and analysis on stock and financial markets, observed various indexes, analyzed and forecast short-term financial market movements, and put forward simple investment planning. I also simulated securities-trading through professional software, putting finance knowledge into practice for the first time. Working as an assistant of issuing high-interest bonds, I obtained the detailed and comprehensive knowledge of the properties, returns rate, and risk rate of high-interest bonds, and learnt the skills to deal with different kinds of clients. Now I am able to recommend the appropriate high-risk bonds as per their preference and requirements.

 

改前:I have strong leadership skills and business sense. I founded Suspense Movie Association in our university, which attracted 216 members and won “Ten Star College Associations”. When I noticed there were not enough classrooms open for a large amount of students to review all night in our university and another university nearby during the final exam period, I advised my roommate to rent a place close to the two universities, where we could run a tea restaurant or café to serve the stream of people with the favorable environment. I also have led my team to take part in Entrepreneurship Program in my university and have already set up a culture company, which is an early form for my future business.

改后:I have strong leadership and business sense. I founded Suspense Movie Association in our university, which attracted 216 members and won the award of “Ten Star College Associations”. Seeing that the available classrooms failed to accommodate the students of our university and another university nearby during the final exam period, I advised my roommates to open a tea restaurant or café adjacent to the two universities because in this way my roommates not only can earn some cost of living, but also can provide the students with a comfortable learning environment. I also led my team to take part in Entrepreneurship Program in my university and set up a culture company, which is an early form of my future business.

 

改前:My advantages

改后:My advantages

改前:Leadership: One year ago, my team took part in business competition in our school. We decided to open China-themed restaurants in the United States, mainly providing Chinese traditional dim sum and local delicacies. The proper division of labor and cooperation guaranteed efficiency and quality. First step, I assigned the work basing on team members’ strengths and interests through previous observation. Each person was in charge of two or three points, including economics, finance, business competitors, history, culture, geography, climate, and population in the US. Second step, we determined site selection and business pattern according to information above through team meeting, and drew up development plans and goals in both long-term and short-term in detail. Finally, the business plan demonstrated unique creative, critical thinking and sufficient feasibility. It was praised by the judges and won The Top Ten Cases and The Best Creative Award. Although finally my illness got worse, I thought it was worse.

改后:Leadership: One year ago, my team took part in business competition in our school. We decided to open China-themed restaurants in the United States, mainly providing Chinese traditional dim sum and local delicacies. The proper division of labor and cooperation guaranteed efficiency and quality. First step, I, with previous observation, assigned the work in line with team members’ strengths and interests. Each person was in charge of two or three following aspects: economics, finance, business competitors, history, culture, geography, climate, and population in the US. Second step, we conducted site selection and determined business model in team meeting, drew up development plans and set well-defined goals in both long-term and short-term. Finally, the business plan demonstrated unique creativity, critical thinking and sufficient feasibility. It was praised by the judges and won the awards of The Top Ten Cases and The Best Creativity. Although the painstaking efforts to win the competition exacerbated my illness, I thought it was worthy.

 

改前:Curiosity and passion of learning: I like astronomy since I was young. So I read a lot of books and mastered some astronomical knowledge through self-study. I often consulted local Astronomical Association. Once I ran outside and wait for hours to see Meteor Shower and other astronomical phenomena when I was in middle school. Although I cannot be an astronomer, I will always keep this hobby and continue to study it in spare time.

改后:Curiosity and passion of learning: I like astronomy since I was young. So I read a lot of books and mastered some astronomical knowledge through self-study. I often consulted local Astronomical Association. Once I ran outside and waited for hours to see Meteor Shower and other astronomical phenomena when I was in middle school. Although I may not become an astronomer, I will always keep this hobby and continue to study it in spare time.

 

改前:Responsibility: Giving help enrich my feeling and deepen my soul. I enjoy working as a volunteer in Shanghai Library because I harvest great happiness and sense of achievement through helping people. Although it is not a tough or hard work, I hope to bring the readers a better service and environment with my efforts. That’s the reason why I worked as a volunteer in TEDA Hospital, played the piano for the children in orphanage, and held the charity bazaar to raise money for an alumna’s operation fee. All of these experiences made me independent and experienced different life. Every volunteer is tiny but important, like millions of screws to support the society. So far, my favorite volunteer job is working as an US TV Series Subtitle Translator in Ragbear Website. I almost cannot tell how excited I have a chance to contribute to the US TV Series I watched every week. During this process, I gradually knew that translation is more a kind of art than ability. In fact, we can translate them and humorously without changing the meaning.

改后:Responsibility: Giving helps enrich my feelings and deepen my soul. I enjoy working as a volunteer in Shanghai Library because I harvest great happiness and sense of achievements through helping people. Although this job is not tough or hard, I can provide the readers with better services and a better environment. That’s why I worked as a volunteer in TEDA Hospital, played the piano for the children in orphanage, and held the charity bazaar to raise money for an alumna’s operation fee. All of these experiences made me independent and mature. Every volunteer is tiny but important; they are like millions of screws supporting the society. So far, my favorite volunteer job is an US TV Series Subtitle Translator in Ragbear Website. I almost cannot tell how excited I was when I was given the chance to contribute to the US TV Series I watched every week. During this process, I gradually knew that translation is more a kind of art than ability. In fact, we can translate the subtitles humorously without jeopardizing the meaning.

 

改前:Concerning about the society: I have finished two independent researches that focused on society and people's livelihood. First, nowadays, security problems on self-help travels in China are getting more and more attention. So I analyzed former cases and sent questionnaires to public to summarize the main risk factors. Also, I chose Huang Mountain as representative research spot according to its high accident rate, interviewed local administrators and tourists to collect information. I drew a conclusion that lack of safety consciousness and preparation were the main reasons for the accidents. The research gained the highest funding support from my school. Second, China has an increasingly serious problem on medical disputes. I analyzed the reason, severity, and consequence of medical disputes, communicated with hospital officials, doctors, patients, and patients’ families separately, knew about the opinions from their own aspects. Finally, put forward several feasible solutions.

改后:Close attention to society: I have finished two independent researches that focused on society and people's livelihood. One research was about the security issue of DIY tour in China. Nowadays, many people prefer DIY tour to the traditional group tour and the security issues ensue. So I analyzed previous cases and sent questionnaires to the public to summarize the main risky factors. Also, I chose Mount Huang as the target of my research due to its high accident rate, interviewed local administrators and tourists to collect information. And then I drew a conclusion that poor safety consciousness and preparation were the main factors that triggered accidents. The research gained the substantial funding support from my school. The other was about medical disputes. China has an increasingly serious problem on medical disputes. I analyzed the cause, severity, and consequence of medical disputes, communicated with hospital officials, doctors, patients, and patients’ families separately, and knew the demands of all sides. Finally, I put forward several feasible solutions.

 

改前:Arts and Humanities: Through paintings, I love and cherish my life more. My oil painting, Sailboat, won the Excellence Award of China. The judges said this painting deeply impressed them by its color, vitality, and strong emotions. Arts always bring people light and hopes on life, even when the darkest time coming, just like Sunflowers painted by Van Gogh, which was the best gift left to the world. Through music, I felt the power of perseverance and beauty. I have insisted in learning piano for more than ten years. For many times, I almost gave up. I was upset by the hard music and playing skills. Sometimes I have to practice the same music for several weeks. However, I cannot deny that I feel happy every time I put my fingers on the keys. Now, after so many years’ practicing, what I feel more is the emotion and inner world of composers. Such as my favorite composer, Fryderyk Franciszek Chopin, his Nocturne, free and tranquil, likes a graceful poem flowing in the darkness. Through novels and movies, I developed my imagination and creativity. I love reading all kinds of books, from suspense to history, absorbing inspiration and lessons from them. I even thought about becoming a movie director, like Steven Spielberg, brought my dream to the world. I have been writing screenplays and novels with my spare time. So far, some of my short story has published on the magazines. I am writing a mystery novel, Mirror, these months. I wish someday people will watch my stories on the screen.

改后:Arts and Humanities: Paintings teach me to love and cherish life. My oil painting, Sailboat, won the Excellence Award of China. The judges said they were deeply impressed by its color, vitality, and strong emotions. Arts always bring people sunlight and hope, even when the darkest time comes, which is vividly expressed in the painting Sunflowers by Van Gogh who left the best gift to this world. Music makes me feel the power of perseverance and beauty. I have insisted in learning the piano for more than ten years. For many times, I almost gave up because I was frustrated by the difficulties and playing skills. Sometimes I have to practice the same music for several weeks. However, it is undeniable that I gain happiness every time my fingers touch the keys. Now, after so many years’ practice, I come to know more of the composers’ emotion and inner world. Take my favorite composer, Fryderyk Franciszek Chopin as an example. His Nocturne, free and tranquil, likes a graceful poem flowing in the darkness. Novels and movies help to develop my imagination and creativity. I love reading all kinds of books from suspense to history, absorbing inspiration and lessons. I even thought about becoming a movie director, like Steven Spielberg, and bringing my dream to the real world. I have been writing screenplays and novels in my spare time. So far, some of my short stories have been published on the magazines. Right now I am writing a mystery novel, Mirror, these months. I hope that someday people will watch my stories on the screen.

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